


pull me apart (and break my heart)

by thatchoiboy



Series: you are a perpetual feeling [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A little fluff in the beginning, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety Attacks, Heavy Angst, M/M, Unhappy Ending, a little dotae if u squint, jaehyuck are soulmates that arent meant to be, jaehyuck nation isnt dry if we all cry, please read the TWs in notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-19 07:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29747217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatchoiboy/pseuds/thatchoiboy
Summary: The universe was so cruel— for it to make people believe that soulmates would last forever when in reality— there’s no such thing as forever.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Series: you are a perpetual feeling [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2190810
Comments: 12
Kudos: 30





	pull me apart (and break my heart)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [winkinpark](https://archiveofourown.org/users/winkinpark/gifts).



> TRIGGER WARNINGS: unhappy ending, angst, slight heavy use of metaphors, anxiety attack, please please be aware of these before reading this fic
> 
> this fic was req by my bestie rose <3 so it wouldn’t exist if it wasn't for her  
> (ilyyy so this fic is for you <3)  
> the prompt can be found [here](https://twitter.com/sfhyuckie/status/1363323414279151617?s=20)
> 
> title from this [song](https://open.spotify.com/track/0gOz9JUXsaKVzLTSmFDtdo?si=zQV-GxC2R1eOWqCJsJrg0A)
> 
> this fic is kinda not for the weak-hearted? you’ve been warned

* * *

_“_ Stranger, that's all I see  
  


When I look into your eyes  
  


A soulmate who wasn't meant to be  
  
  
Wish I could go back to the day we met and leave you be _”_ _  
  
_

—Jess Benko, _A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant To Be_

  
  
  


* * *

Jaehyun hadn’t always liked the idea of soulmates.

The concept of soulmates was utter bullshit, in his opinion. Having an assigned partner for life didn’t seem pleasant, especially if it’s a stranger. It was constricting to be unable to fall in love with whoever he wanted because there’s supposedly a person out there that is meant to complete him. It’s a thought that he cannot comprehend.

He deemed his friends foolish for their never-ending desire to meet their soulmates. Jaehyun despised the fact that it didn’t occur to them to think that they could fall for other people besides whoever the universe has chosen for them.

From the stories his parents used to tell him when he was little, a soulmate seemed like a dream. A dream so tantalizing sweet that he wouldn’t ever want to wake up to bask in wonderful bliss. But like a dream, it’s unreal— a temporary illusion that when you open your eyes in the morning, the euphoria dissipates, and back with you is the emptiness that never left. 

Perhaps it’s the reason why Jaehyun never liked waking up either.

As he grew older, he was still unable to acknowledge it even as his friends found their apparent other halves one by one. All while Jaehyun continued to turn a blind eye— that it _wasn’t_ real and that the portrayal of meeting their soulmates by his friends was nothing but a pure exaggeration.

“You’ll understand when you meet yours.” His friend Taeyong once said, who found his soulmate in high school, a new transfer named Doyoung. Jaehyun didn’t think much of it and shrugged, though he was happy for the couple.

“I don’t think I’ll ever want to meet mine.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


The first time Jaehyun met Lee Donghyuck, the thumping in his chest vibrated throughout his body as if alerting him that a button he was unaware of had been slammed down.

The rate of his heartbeat accelerated as if a force within him is tugging at him to get closer to the sun-kissed boy talking to Taeyong, who sneaked glances at him with a smile that sent butterflies to Jaehyun’s stomach and he couldn’t look away, getting lost in those beautiful chocolate brown eyes and he couldn’t believe how he reacted unconsciously— how his own body and soul betrayed him.

He always believed that it was an exaggeration, what his friends used to tell him until he felt the twisting in his guts and his heart hammering in his chest like crazy as if it wanted to get out of its bind— wanting to be free. That same force pulling at him like he was a magnet seeking to be attached to a steel wall and he’s unable to stop it.

Jaehyun never thought that the day where the universe proved him wrong would come. Donghyuck was a stranger, a person he just met— but the chaos and the madness swirl inside his head, screaming at him to do something or anything. He wonders if Donghyuck is feeling the same way he does.

The invisible strings in his heart pulled at him continuously and he physically jerked away when he snapped into a realization that he was near the boy, ignoring Taeyong’s knowing look. Jaehyun hurried an apology and excused himself from the scene, shutting his eyes as his heart clenched as if it was being squeezed when he saw the smile wiped out of Donghyuck’s face as he turned to leave, every step heavy as he walked away.

Jaehyun doesn’t understand what he’s feeling.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Why did you leave?” Taeyong confronted him as they got back to their dorms. “It’s him, isn’t it?”

Jaehyun bit his lower lip, hands gripping the knob of the door with force as he shut it close. He had seen this coming, but he didn’t think Taeyong would ask him right away. His palms sweat the longer Taeyong stared at him with his head tilted to the side. He tries to even his breathing, not used to the foreign emotions that swarmed his insides.

“Soulmates are stupid.” He says in contrast to what’s pooling in his stomach, and his heart beating out of his ribcage. 

“You’re stupid.” Taeyong scoffs at his answer, shaking his head with a frown painted on his lips, “You’re going to regret saying that someday.”

Jaehyun thinks Taeyong is right. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Jaehyun felt it again when he bumped into Donghyuck on a whim one day at the campus library.

The latter had been wearing a big tee with ripped jeans and Jaehyun couldn’t deny that the shorter man looked stunning as the yellow fluorescent lights accompanied his natural glow and he couldn’t allow himself to look away. Jaehyun watched as those eyes widened with recognition. His heart fluttered as if it’s about to burst the closer Donghyuck got, his doe-eyes looking at him brightly that Jaehyun was convinced he was staring directly at the sun itself. 

“I don’t think you’ve introduced yourself. What’s your name?” Donghyuck asked, his sweet voice ringed in Jaehyun’s ears, lulling him in a daze and wanting nothing more than to keep hearing it again like it’s his favorite song in the world.

“Jaehyun.” He answers, voice coming out to be a much of a higher pitch than normal and his cheeks warmed in embarrassment.

And that was when he _finally_ understood it. 

The shiver that ran up his spine and the electric buzz that tingled his soul as he shook hands with Donghyuck. His hand was soft against his— softness that beats a lullaby, Jaehyun noticed and refused to let go as his thumb proceeded to brush over Donghyuck’s knuckles.

It was as if he downed a couple of drinks of alcohol as his world spun around him— tipsy, and only Donghyuck was the one he could see clearly. Something inside Jaehyun took pleasure in being close to Donghyuck as if it was contented— _complete._

Jaehyun thinks back to the time he thought soulmates were like a dream. The feeling was the same as what his parents and friends described it to be. His head is up in the clouds and if this was truly a dream, he never wants to wake up. But it _wasn’t_ unreal. Jaehyun was wide awake with his thumb and index finger pinching the flesh in his arm to make sure and he knew that whatever he’s feeling is no joke, that this is the real deal.

He understood now what his friends used to tell him.

And this time, Jaehyun doesn’t resist it, when the strings of his heart seem to connect themselves with Donghyuck’s own.

And this time, Jaehyun accepts Donghyuck as his soulmate.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


Donghyuck was the answer he’d been looking for.

With Donghyuck, Jaehyun reckons he could climb to the top of the world and scream his love for him. He also officially established to himself that he could die happy from simply holding Donghyuck’s hand. 

They had moved in together after college, Jaehyun could say they’re living their best lives the past two years of being together and nothing could possibly ruin it.

The man beside him practically glowed, radiant as the orange sky as their time together at the beach passed by, as if Donghyuck’s entirety was made up of stars and the sun itself.

“I’m so happy,” Jaehyun whispers along the blowing wind as waves in the ocean mellow down and their eyes glued to the sun setting. He turns to Donghyuck who was already looking back at him, “I’m _so_ fucking happy.”

“Really?” Donghyuck laughs, accompanying the soft music that comes from a tropical bar nearby, and Jaehyun thinks he could never get tired of hearing it. “You’re so in love with me, it’s cheesy.”

The corner of Jaehyun’s lips stretched from cheek to cheek, “So? Being in love is not a crime. Maybe I should call the police on you, for stealing my heart.” He stuck his tongue at Donghyuck whose body curled away from his and left a stinging slap on his arm.

“You’re so lame. How did I get so lucky.” Donghyuck teased, rolling his eyes. The shorter man moved towards him again and rested his back on Jaehyun’s chest, whose arms wrapped themselves around Donghyuck’s waist, his chin attached itself to the nook of Donghyuck’s shoulder.

Jaehyun basks in his warmth and closes his eyes, Donghyuck’s scent of sunshine makes him feel at home. He hadn’t liked the thought of soulmates, but Donghyuck quickly crawled his way into his life and inserted himself in his heart, throwing the key away. His heart thumped as if it was happy— as if Donghyuck’s presence gave him a will to live and he snorted at the thought.

“What’s so funny?” He hears Donghyuck ask and he shook his head, further burying himself in Donghyuck and the latter moved even closer, which sent a tingle to Jaehyun’s chest, encouraging the action and wanting to be closer to the sun-kissed boy who is now practically on his lap.

“Just thinking about you,” Jaehyun mumbled against his nape, throwing his head back in laughter when Donghyuck put his hand over his mouth and let out fake gagging noises. “I’m serious. I must’ve saved the world in my past life to have you as my soulmate. I’m so happy. You make me _so_ happy.”

Donghyuck craned his neck towards him and Jaehyun didn’t hesitate to land a peck of a kiss on his lips. “I’m stuck with you, and you’re stuck with me, Lee.” He says as he rubbed his nose against Donghyuck’s, who squealed from the action.

“I like the sound of that, Jung.” 

  
  


* * *

  
  


“No, Hyuck, I’m not doing it.” Jaehyun firmly announced, ignoring his soulmate’s puppy eyes and pouty lips as he stayed rooted on his place on the couch.

“ _Come on,_ ” Donghyuck drawls and Jaehyun thought it was unfair how Donghyuck had easily wrapped him around his finger. “Taeyong and Doyoung have nicknames for each other! Why can’t we?”

“Sure we do! Jung and Lee? I literally call you, _Hyuck_.” Jaehyun emphasizes as he takes his mug of coffee to his lips, continuing his quest to avoid Donghyuck’s eyes because he knows that the minute he looks at him, his resolve would crumble.

Donghyuck only whined and huffed, Jaehyun could tell he had his face in a scrunch with his arms crossed on his chest. “That doesn’t count.” He hears him say.

“Sure it does.”

Jaehyun reveled in the silence before Donghyuck sits on his lap, Jaehyun almost dropping his mug before catching his balance, his arm stretched out to place the mug on a nearby table. “You baby.” He says as he holds Donghyuck’s hips.

“Yeah, but I’m _your_ baby.” Donghyuck teases and puffs his cheeks in an adoring manner.

“Duckie,” Jaehyun says, staring at those chocolate brown eyes that always seem to reel him in every time he looks at them. The butterflies in his stomach fluttered obnoxiously— as if it couldn’t believe that a guy like Donghyuck is _his._

Donghyuck blinks three times, perplexed, “What.”

“Duckie. You want a nickname? Duckie, it is.” Jaehyun answers as he continues to get lost in Donghyuck’s eyes. The latter was quiet for a minute, and Jaehyun thought he had offended him before he noticed Donghyuck’s cheeks turning pink. “You like it?”

Donghyuck only nodded and sought cover in Jaehyun’s collar, latching himself like a baby in Jaehyun’s arms.

“It’s because you remind me of a duck that keeps quacking for attention- _ow_!” Jaehyun yelped when Donghyuck bit his neck and laughed when the latter stayed in his arms until he fell asleep and Jaehyun positioned him properly before moving them to their bedroom.

Jaehyun was always weak when it comes to Donghyuck, after all.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


“Forever?” Donghyuck asks him as they lay beside each other on the rooftop of the apartment building they live in, gazing at the bright stars accompanying the full moon, “That sounds like a long time.”

“Don’t you want to be with me for a long time?” Jaehyun turns his head away from the stars, as one is already beside him. Donghyuck faces him and Jaehyun always thought that he was brighter than the stars in the sky— or maybe even in the whole universe.

“Of course I do! Do you promise me that you’ll be with me till the end of the time?”

Jaehyun laughs, his back arching from the ground, “And you call me cheesy.” He pulled Donghyuck up in a sitting position with him and placed his hand on his. 

“But yes, I promise.”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


Jaehyun woke up one day and it was as if an off switch in his heart had been permanently pressed down.

The arms wrapped around him that were once comforting, suffocated him. There’s no electricity, no spark, nothing pulling at him— _nothing_. And it terrified him.

It was as if Jaehyun woke up from the illusion that he feared in the beginning. That his time with Donghyuck was an imitation of what he craved, and he’s finally snapped out of it, awoken to the reality where nothing was right and he was back to the time when his parents used to tell him stories about a soulmate, but this time, there was no resentment, no ridicule— nothing.

He brings his palm to cup Donghyuck’s cheek, the latter still asleep as his chest rises up and down steadily. His thumb caresses the moles spread across his face, they’re like constellations that convinced Jaehyun that Donghyuck came from the stars in the universe.

_There must’ve been a glitch in the system_ , Jaehyun thinks, _That you and I are meant to be._

Jaehyun traces Donghyuck’s face with his forefinger, the face that he came to adore and worship. He presses his forehead on Donghyuck’s before closing his eyes, willing to connect himself— trying to sense that adrenaline that always comes to him whenever he’s in Donghyuck’s presence. His soul remained unwavering, however, as if it stopped connecting itself with Donghyuck’s own, and the strings in his heart tangled as it tried to find what’s missing. 

There’s nothing there.

Jaehyun pulled himself away in a careful manner and those chocolate brown eyes greeted him when they fluttered open, though he didn't get lost in them like he used to. Instead, he sees his reflection in them, and he couldn’t stomach the uneasiness that started to creep up his veins so he averted his gaze, slowly getting up from his position, untangling Donghyuck’s arms that were loosely on his waist in the process. 

Jaehyun doesn’t feel it anymore.

He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, his eyes bore into something else other than his own image. He sees a dark abyss of emptiness, no light, and he’s all alone. His throat suddenly started closing in and he’s unable to breathe. His hand shoots up to touch his neck, pressing down and trying to relieve pressure. It was like a punch was sent to his chest, repeatedly hitting it nonstop the longer he struggled.

“Jaehyun? Are you okay?” Donghyuck’s voice was muffled behind the door but it was enough for Jaehyun to be pulled away from the darkness swallowing him. As if he resurfaced from underneath the water, his surroundings clearer and his lungs greedily took in what they needed.

He lets out a rapid amount of coughs, his lips quivering as he tries to inhale as much air as he could. “I-I’m fine,” He called out, voice raspy and he shuddered from the sudden coldness. He wasn’t sure if it was from the breeze outside or something else gnawing at him and proceeded to shut the tiny window behind him in the bathroom before opening the door, Donghyuck stood on the other side and looked up to him with those chocolate brown eyes full of concern.

Jaehyun’s chest tightened from the sight.

“What happened?” Donghyuck asks, Jaehyun was aware of how sympathetic his soulmate could be and that’s a trait he always loved about him. But now it felt intrusive and the hairs in his body stood up from the anxiousness.

“Nothing, I just felt a little sick. You want to get coffee?” He replied, attempting to change the topic and showing his pearly white teeth to Donghyuck who observed him for a few seconds before he returned it half-heartedly.

Jaehyun remembers the time he spent with Donghyuck in the same apartment walls. He sees a version of them from his memory cooking and Donghyuck from the past throws a handful of flour at Jaehyun who had his head thrown back and his shoulders shaking from laughter as he threw the same substance at Donghyuck.

He sees a flashback of them in the living room next, with Donghyuck’s head on his lap as he plays with the tips of his hair while Donghyuck sleeps. He remembers carrying Donghyuck to bed as he snuggled himself beside him, basking in his presence with content. 

The bile in his stomach comes back and Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows back to keep himself from throwing up. Jaehyun’s gaze switches to Donghyuck in the present who was in the kitchen, humming a tune while rummaging through the fridge for food. 

Jaehyun reenacted what he used to do, what became so normal to them, and crept up from behind Donghyuck with heavy steps. But this time, he doesn’t get the butterflies he used to when he embraces Donghyuck, nor the pleasure of hearing his voice in the morning. As if the butterflies died overnight, leaving only a trail of tiny flutters in its stead until there’s none of it left and all Jaehyun could feel was the hollowness.

Jaehyun leaves a kiss on Donghyuck’s nape as he puts him down, his palms pressing down on Donghyuck’s shoulder repeatedly to give it a massage as the latter makes coffee. In midst of watching him, Jaehyun’s mind is full of longing in contrast to what his heart is telling him. He turns him around and hooks his hands underneath Donghyuck’s thighs to lift him up the counter.

Donghyuck’s palm burned through his skin as it found its way to his cheek and Jaehyun could only stare at his face that got closer until he leaned down and took Donghyuck’s lips to the other man’s surprise. 

Jaehyun moved at a slow pace in an attempt to make the moment last longer as he held Donghyuck’s chin and tilted his head higher. His tongue pressed in between Donghyuck’s lips as if asking to be let in. Jaehyun closes his eyes when Donghyuck gives him an entrance, and his tongue licks through the cavern of Donghyuck’s mouth, desperate to find that spark— even just the tiniest amount to ignite— for Jaehyun to feel all of it again.

A groan rumbles in his chest when Donghyuck’s fingers tangle in his hair and he pushes Donghyuck further in the counter until they knock over a coffee mug, spilling its content onto the floor but they pay no attention to it. Jaehyun drowned himself in Donghyuck’s touch, but it was like he lost all of his senses and he’s unable to comprehend the missing piece in his soul no matter how much he kissed or touched Donghyuck.

A tear escapes his eyes, while he swallows Donghyuck’s moans in their kiss. He embraced Donghyuck even more as he searched for the answer through him, but there was nothing. Nothing but the ache that started gnawing at his chest the longer he held Donghyuck and the more certainty he received.

If he ended waking up one day to lose everything he thought he could live without, he wished he never did.

And for the first time since he’s been with Donghyuck, darkness clouded his mind and he was all alone, trapped in the dark abyss— with him the emptiness stayed.

And Jaehyun had experienced it firsthand— what it feels like to be heartbroken when a heart falls out of love.

* * *

  
  
  
  


“I love you,” Donghyuck tells him while they are in bed one night, kissing him on the lips before turning around, his back to Jaehyun’s chest.

Jaehyun closes his eyes, throws an arm around Donghyuck’s hip, and pulls him closer, “I love you too.” He whispers, but deep down— _he knows._

He doesn’t mean it.  
  


  
  


* * *

  
  


“You have to break it with him, Jaehyun,” Taeyong says after Jaehyun explained what happened— what he felt. Doyoung is sitting beside Taeyong and he is seated across from them in his friends’ shared apartment.

“I know.” Jaehyun simply replied with his head down as he played with his fingers.

“I can’t believe it,” Doyoung mutters, Jaehyun was sure he was boring holes in his head, “You two were so happy together. We’ve _never_ seen you that happy before.”

Jaehyun internally agrees with Doyoung. But he’s _not_ happy anymore. Not when he keeps feeding Donghyuck lies and attempting to put together something that can’t be fixed no matter how much he tried. Jaehyun knows exactly what he had to do.

“I know.” He repeated.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  


“I think,” Jaehyun’s mind wanders as he leads Donghyuck to the living room and sits him down. “We should break the bond.”

Donghyuck snorts and lets out a chuckle, “That’s a good one! Now, what are you _seriously_ going to talk to me about?” He wheezes before stopping when Jaehyun remains stoic. “Jaehyun? Come on, this isn’t funny, Jae.”

“I’m sorry.” That is all Jaehyun could say, and those two words were all it took for Donghyuck’s expression to shift. He never liked when Donghyuck looked troubled, it’s when his eyes started losing their sparkle and his face noticeably dims. He wanted nothing more than to turn the corners of his mouth upside down, for Donghyuck to look at him with love and not the one where he’s confused— lost. But he knows the news he’ll bring would do the opposite effect of what he wanted. “I’m _really_...sorry.” 

“When?” Donghyuck mumbled before meeting Jaehyun’s eyes. “When did it start?” 

“A couple of weeks-”

“That long? Who are they? Am I not enough? Was it something I did?” Donghyuck frantically asked, and Jaehyun can see his eyes starting to water. “Tell me and I’ll fix it! It doesn’t have to be this way, Jae. Please... Let’s work it out… we can... I _know_ we can.” Every word Donghyuck spouted were bullets to him, each one going through his chest and puncturing his heart.

“It doesn’t work like that, Hyuck.” 

“ _What do you mean it doesn’t work—_ Why aren’t you trying? I’m willing to work this out and you _don’t_ want to? You’re being selfish right now.” Donghyuck’s eyebrows furrowed in frustration as his voice got higher.

“Goddamn it, Donghyuck!” Jaehyun groaned, “ I did try! What did you think I was doing the entire time? Do you think I wanted this? I wanted nothing more than to love you but I-” Jaehyun ran his fingers through his hair and sighed exasperatedly, “I _can’t_.”

Jaehyun sees Donghyuck’s fists clench on his side, willing himself not to cry. And he wished his gaze stayed glued to the ground— at least that way he wouldn’t see the tears that continuously ran along Donghyuck’s cheek, and he wouldn’t go through another heartbreak all over again.

“D-did you even love me?” Donghyuck asked quietly, his voice hoarse from the sobs that came out of his throat, and every sniffle and every tear that escaped from those chocolate brown eyes that he came to love stabbed Jaehyun like a knife repeatedly.

“I did, _so much_ Hyuck, I _loved you_ so much.” He says, hands gripping Donghyuck tightly, “You were the best thing that _ever_ happened to me.”

“Then _why?_ Why are you doing this?” Donghyuck wept, his shoulder shaking as his wet eyes reddened, sounding so _broken_ and if Jaehyun’s heart didn’t break then, it would never break at all.

Jaehyun brings his trembling hand to Donghyuck’s face to wipe his wet cheeks, running his thumb by the corner of his eyes, “Because it’s not fair to you.” He starts, “It’s not fair to you to give me your heart when mine is _not_ yours anymore.

“I don’t care-”

“ _No, Donghyuck_ .” Jaehyun interrupts, brushing the hair out of Donghyuck’s eyes. “You deserve _more_ than what I can give you. You deserve someone who undoubtedly loves you. And I _can’t_ be that person for you anymore. I tried _so_ fucking hard, Hyuck, you have no idea. But it’s just not there anymore. And I _can’t_ force it to come back no matter how much I want to.” 

“B-but we’re _soulmates_!” Donghyuck cries, “We’re supposed to be together till the end of time, what happened? I-I don’t understand, Jae.” 

“I didn’t understand either, at first.” He shook his head, “I was hysterical because I kept looking for it, for those emotions to come back to me. For the butterflies to eat my insides like it usually does when I look at you- or trying to get myself to get lost in your eyes again... but all I could see was something I couldn’t and it broke me. I don’t want to drag this on anymore because you don’t deserve it. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out... And maybe sometimes-” Jaehyun doesn’t realize he’s crying until his vision blurs and hot tears roll down his face. “-sometimes, soulmates _aren’t_ just meant to be.”

Silence filled the room beside his and Donghyuck’s shaky breaths. So thick that Jaehyun was sure if he cut a knife through, it wouldn’t even budge. His shoulders heaved up and down as he tried to calm down, but he couldn’t stop the tears any longer. No matter how much he wanted to be with Donghyuck, he couldn’t ignite the spark nor connect the strings of his heart with his— it just no longer felt right.

Jaehyun never thought that this moment would come. He despised the stars and the universe, for giving him the chance to be happy only to take it away and leave him to pick up the broken pieces. And he resented them for dragging Donghyuck along with him.

“Duckie, say something, _please_ ,” Jaehyun begs, voice cracking as the air in his lungs closes in but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

Donghyuck scrunched his nose and let out a breathy laugh, “Well...what can I say, exactly?” He began, and Jaehyun flinched when Donghyuck withdrew from his hold. “I had no idea… that you felt that way. Or maybe I did and just ignored the signs... I thought everything was okay, that we were _happy_. And it breaks me that you went through all of that, that I was the cause of your pain when I’m the one who’s supposed to relieve you from it.” 

He dragged the sleeve of his arm against his face, “What can I do? I know I should let you go, but it _hurts_ so much, Jae.”

Jaehyun turned his head away from Donghyuck, he thought of the times when they were happy together and wondered when did those moments turn grim. He questions his heart why it fell out of love with Donghyuck who was supposedly his other half. The universe was so cruel— for it to make people believe that soulmates would last forever when in reality— there’s no such thing as forever.

“Why did you decide it on your own? We could’ve worked it out... Why did you keep the burden to yourself and made me feel like nothing was wrong?” Donghyuck inhaled sharply, “How exactly am I supposed to react? That I woke up one day and the love of my life is _not_ in love with me anymore- tell me, Jae, _what_ am I supposed to do?” His small hands that Jaehyun held so many times clutched his shirt, tugging it softly as if demanding answers from Jaehyun who could only look down at him with the guilt chewing up his mind.

“And what did you think I felt?” Jaehyun whispers, voice cracking once again. “When I woke up one day and realized I didn’t love you anymore? Do you think it made me feel good? It made me feel like shit, Donghyuck! I didn’t know what to do either, Hyuck. This is why we _need_ to end it. End _us_.”

“No, Jae-”

“Let’s break it, Donghyuck.” Jaehyun says, “It’s better to do it now than to wait till we’re both burnt out.” He pulls away from Donghyuck’s hold, “I can’t keep doing this, and eventually, you won’t be able to either.”

Donghyuck shook his head and held Jaehyun tighter, his face pressed against his chest, “I don’t want to. _Please_ , don’t do it.” Jaehyun’s shirt formed a wet patch from Donghyuck’s tears as his whole body shook and Jaehyun brought his palm and rubbed his back, attempting to calm him down. “Please, Jae. I don’t want to lose you… _I can’t._ ”

“Hyuck, please don’t make it harder for me.” Jaehyun pleads, burying his face in Donghyuck’s hair, trying to inhale the scent that he used to never get tired of— one that used to bring him so much comfort and reassurance. But now all he could distinguish was the branded shampoo they both share.

“It doesn’t have to be hard! Just stay with me! You _promised_ me…” Donghyuck continued, tightening his hold, “You said... I’m stuck with _you_ ... and you’re stuck with _me_. But why are you _leaving_ me?” 

“Duckie—”

“ _Don’t_ call me that!” The smaller man in his arms cried out, “You don’t get to call me that after hurting me.” Jaehyun feels his arms loosely around him until it’s gone. 

He sees Donghyuck with his head down, lifting a fist to throw a soft punch at Jaehyun’s chest. “I hate you.” He whispers and Jaehyun takes it, aware that the pain he caused to Donghyuck was worse than what his punches deliver. “How dare you… _why did_ — how could you do this to me? I _hate_ you... I hate you so much.” 

Jaehyun’s body recoiled from each hit he received as it got stronger, “I’m sorry.”

“Take that apology and shove it up to your ass, Jung.” Donghyuck hissed, sniffing away the snot that blocked his nostrils. “I hate you.” He repeated. “I love you _so_ much but I hate you.” 

Donghyuck gripped Jaehyun’s shirt with his fist and pulled him downwards, Jaehyun stumbled a bit before recovering, “Hyuck.. .what are you-”

“Kiss me.” He says and Jaehyun opens his mouth to protest but Donghyuck puts a finger to his lips, “One last time. Just this once, kiss me as you mean it— as if you’re _still_ in love with me. _Please_.”

Jaehyun’s palms hesitantly cupped Donghyuck’s supple cheeks that were flush red, tears still running down as he looked in his eyes and closed the distance between them. The lips against his felt desperate, and Jaehyun indulged him. Letting Donghyuck take whatever he wanted from him because after this they might never see each other again. His chest tightened as if he was drowning and water continuously filled his lungs.

Before they both do something they’ll regret, Jaehyun pulls away, ignoring the pang in his chest seeing the hurt in Donghyuck’s eyes. “I’m sorry we couldn’t last forever.”

Donghyuck’s shoulder racked up and down once more, “At least we tried, right?” and Jaehyun nods, wiping the incoming tears that Donghyuck’s eyes produce. 

“We did. And thank you. Thank you _so_ much, for bringing light to my life. I’m sorry that I don’t feel that way anymore. But you were _truly_ the best thing that happened to me.”

“And you _are_ the best thing that happened to me,” Donghyuck repeats after him.

“Promise me, Donghyuck. That you’ll get over me.”

Donghyuck shook his head, “You’re so cruel, Jaehyun. You can’t possibly ask me to get over you, it won’t be easy.” He whimpered. “So we’re really doing this, huh?” Donghyuck sniffed, furiously dragging his sleeve over his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Jaehyun exhales before proceeding to the front door, he looks back, “Maybe in another universe— one less cruel than this one— we’ll find each other as we’re meant to be. Though I’m afraid that’s not possible in this lifetime.”  
  
“...Goodbye, Jaehyun.”

“Goodbye, Donghyuck.”

And the last thing that printed itself to Jaehyun’s brain before the door of the apartment he’s used to calling home completely closed was Donghyuck falling to his knees, and his sobs echoing in his ears as he left.

And for the first time he fell out of love with Donghyuck, he felt it.  
  


The thread in his heart that connected itself with Donghyuck snapped like a rubber band, completely voiding the connection.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  


Jaehyun sat on a booth of the tropical bar at the beach he used to go to. Everything was the same from the soft _Bruno Major_ songs that are blasted in the speakers and the same booth and people. The view hits him with nostalgia. He’s reminded of the times he spent with Donghyuck, even though his heart no longer yearned for him, he’s haunted by the memories even _a year later_ after the strings of his heart hang loosely— deflated, and the tips of its thread have remnants of when it’s forcefully been cut off.

He sits on the counter in front of a bartender and waves at him for a drink. He thinks of the ugly side of falling in love that’s barely talked about. It wasn’t always about the butterflies and the sweating of palms— there was something deeper and darker in falling in love that people disregard. 

Jaehyun downs another drink.

Jaehyun only now realized how fast it is to fall out of love no matter how much the universe made everyone think it’ll last forever. An image of Donghyuck pops in his mind and he smiles wryly. 

Donghyuck, who proved him wrong that the idea of soulmates was far from foolish. 

Donghyuck, who made him feel things he’s never felt before— who he set free from the bottomless pit of darkness he trapped them in.

Jaehyun never liked the idea of soulmates. As much as he wanted to forget everything— fate works in cruel ways— making sure he’ll never be able to escape the remnants of his memories with Donghyuck.   
  


But if it’s with him, Jaehyun would go through it all over again.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> if u cried, scream w me on my socials jaehyuck nation  
> if u didn’t, scream w me anyway  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/mrkhycklee)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/mrkhycklee)
> 
> /edit: i recommend listening to this [song](https://open.spotify.com/track/58Mh6zmqSo9IvysPAXnG0h?si=8RrmAUQJQLK29et24ubv0w)! the second verse perfectly describes jaehyun's perspective/
> 
> maybe this could’ve had a happy ending, but i think not...
> 
> speaking from jaehyun’s pov: in a way, this is me writing about the ugly side of falling in love, it’s always the pov of those who get broken up with but seldom the one doing it; remember, there’s always two sides of a story.
> 
> jaehyun never believed in soulmates but was proven wrong when he met hyuck but only for him to just lose it all in the end. do you think jaehyun’s denial in the beginning somewhat played a role in him falling out of love? i’d love to hear theories
> 
> even if jaehyun couldn’t forget about hyuck, he’s not in love with him anymore. you can care or cherish someone even if you don’t see them romantically and if they stay together? they’ll end up getting tired of each other, in this way, at least they kind of both accepted the fact that they can’t be together anymore and parted more peacefully (kind of)
> 
> and in this soulmate au (for jaehyun, atleast) soulmates don’t always mean it’s meant to be and that u can still wake up one day and not feel anything for the one you thought u were going to love forever, but just bc they've broken up doesn’t mean they’ll forget about each other w a snap of a finger, fate works in cruel ways— that’s why jaehyun is probably still be haunted by an image of hyuck— bc in some way, they’re still connected since they are soulmates but both lost in a void and the spark cannot be rekindled
> 
> this was written in jaehyun’s pov so what about hyuck? he’s def not okay either— maybe he’s never going to get over jaehyun, but hyuck's pov can open for interpretation (my bestie rose and i have plans for a parallel universe) 
> 
> if u read this far of my long author notes, (sorry about that) what do u think about a sequel? ;)
> 
> if you saw any typos or grammatical error no u didnt (also, english is not my first language)  
> kudos and comments are always appreciated <3


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